Hugo Schwyzer

We all have theories about why people do what they do. A lot of us enjoy analyzing other people. Where that normal human penchant slips into mansplaining is when a particular guy assumes he knows more about women than the woman to whom he’s speaking. Men do this partly out of arrogant presumptuousness, and partly out of an eagerness to demonstrate that they “aren’t like other guys.” In a world where men assume (not entirely incorrectly) that most other fellas don’t know very much about women, proving that “you’re the guy who gets it” presents itself as a promising strategy for impressing the ladies. It rarely works as well as mansplainers hope.

As fathers to sons, Michael and I are at least as concerned with prevention as with redemption. By encouraging our boys to understand that they are as capable of emotional depth and kindness as girls, by showing them by our actions that their male biology is not an impediment to empathy, we can raise up a generation of young men who won’t make the same kind of sexist and destructive mistakes for which so many in their fathers’ generation need to atone. That’s not just wishful thinking; it’s what Michael and Zach Kimmel are living out. As a dad to my beautiful four-month-old David, their example fills me with tremendous hope.

It’s important too to note that however much skin you are revealing, you are never responsible for another person’s inappropriate behavior. Save for the blind, we are all visual people. We notice each other. There is no right not to be seen. But there is a right not to be stared at with a penetrating gaze of the sort that makes you feel deeply uncomfortable. While it may seem that you get those leers more often when you’re showing more skin, you’ve probably noticed that you get those creepy stares at other times as well. And the key thing you need to know is that men can control their eyes — they really can — and women can control their judgment. Your body is not so powerful that it can drive others to distraction. (And yes, if we’re honest, sometimes we wish that our bodies were that powerful, particularly if it meant drawing the attention of someone to whom we are attracted!) If some men choose to be distracted by you, that is their choice, a decision for which they (not you) are solely responsible.

Fish don’t see water, men don’t see patriarchy, and white philosophers don’t see white supremacy. We can do little about fish. Carole Pateman and others have made the sexual contract visible for those who care to look. Now Charles Mills has made it equally clear how whites dominate people of color, even (or especially) when they have no such intention. He asks whites not to feel guilty, but rather to do something much more difficult—understand and take responsibility for a structure which they did not create but still benefit from.